Friday Funny (Read 3,780 times)

[fordzrule]

A bus of blondes and brunette ten pin bowling teams goes to a tournament in London,the brunettes sit downstairs,the blondes upstairs,shortly after the brunettes start drinking and singing on their 100km journey,after an hour the brunettes are pissed and singing along,the only sober member goes upstairs to check out the blondes,and see how much fun they're having.The noise is queit upstairs with all the blondes looking straight ahead and with terror on their faces,the brunette asks what is wrong,we're all pissed below and enjoying the trip,a blonde replies,that's all bloody fine you've got a driver,we haven't.

[ross56y]

that last joke reminds me of some of the folks at work !!!! blondes haha

[Deleted]

haha
********************
Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

'Kevin, it's the Health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour
but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory
in Sydney has burned to the ground... It is estimated that the entire
Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week'!

PM: 'S....! - the economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!'

Health Minister: 'We're going to have to ship some in from Britain ?'

PM: 'No chance! The Poms will have a field day on this one!!'

Health Minister: 'What about New Zealand ?'

PM: 'Ok, you call John Key - tell him we need ten million condoms, ten
inches long and three inches thick! That way they'll continue to respect
the Wallabies!'


Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open the boxes.

He finds ten million condoms; 10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all coloured
black and white, with a silver fern printed on each one and embossed with


MADE IN NEW ZEALAND
SIZE: Small

[Glenn, Ex 269s]

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my receptionist and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[jordy77w]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[visitor]

A bloke, having split from his latest
> girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and
> proceeded to have the time of his
> life, that is; until the ship
> sank.
>
> He found himself on an island with no other people, no
> supplies, nothing; only bananas and
> coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
> most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows
> up to the shore.
>
> In disbelief, he asks,
> 'Where did you come
> from? How did you get here?'
> She replied,
> 'I rowed from the
> other side of the island. I landed here
> when my cruise ship
> sank.'
>
> 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a
> row boat wash up with you.'
>
> 'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
> material I found on the
> island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom
> from palm branches, and the sides
> and stern came from a Eucalyptus
> tree.'
>
> 'But, where did you get the tools?'
>
> 'Oh, that was
> no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
> island, a
> very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a
>
> certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
> I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
> hardware.'
>
> The guy is stunned.
>
> 'Let's row over to my
> place,' she says.
> After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the
> boat at a small wharf. As the man
> looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk
> leading to an exquisite
> bungalow painted in blue and
> white.
>
> While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly
> woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they
> walk into the house, she says
> casually,
> 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down,
> please. Would you like a
> drink?'
>
> 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
> 'I can't take another drop of coconut
> juice.'
> 'It's not coconut juice,'
> winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina
> Colada?'
>
> Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man
> accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have
> exchanged their stories, the woman
> announces,
> 'I'm going to slip into something more
> comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There
> is a razor in the bathroom
> cabinet.'
>
> No longer questioning anything, the man goes
> into the bathroom.
> There, in the
> cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
> a
> hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
> mechanism.
>
> 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What
> next?'
>
> When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but
> vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias... She
> beckons for him to sit down next
> to her.
>
> 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer
> to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely.
> There's something I'm sure you
> really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing
> for?'
> She stares into his eyes...
>
> He swallows excitedly and
> tears start to form in his eyes...
>
> 'F ***king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports